Constant
by cold flower
Summary: Killua introspection. KiruGon shounen-ai.


**Constant**

Disclaimer: Hunter x Hunter is the creation of Togashi Yoshihiro.

Note: I had this uploaded before, but since then I've quit FFN (thus deleting all my fics) and come back (with a new pen name too), so here it is again, simply because this was probably the first piece of fanfiction that I sort of like. It's been edited just a little since then, but nothing of significance. I'm still not too happy with the ending, though.

x

I don't like introducing myself to others. They always look at me with curious eyes wondering who this strange white-haired boy could be.

Killua Zoldick.

They try to hide their gasps as the name rolls off my tongue. It is no use; I can see their shock.

Yes, I am Killua Zoldick, a son of Silva Zoldick, the dreaded assassin. Yes, like my father, I was brought up to be an assassin.

After learning my name, they usually try to stay as far away from me as possible. (Although there's the occasional idiot who thinks he can challenge me in a fight. Hah.) I don't care. They're not worth my time. I wouldn't kill them just because I can, despite what they might think.

Not that I've never killed before. I have, countless times, mostly when I was younger and my father and grandfather were forcing me to, as part of my training. I'd say it was pretty impressive that I could rip out a person's heart with my bare hands when I was only eight years old. Killing is generally a dirty, messy job, but blood doesn't really bother me. I've gotten used to the sight of the crimson liquid. I have been around it all my life so naturally I have stopped noticing its raw stench.

Gon noticed it, though. He gets these tiny wrinkles on his nose, expressing his dislike of the smell. He was so different from me, even though we were the exact same age. I don't think he had ever been exposed to violence before the Hunter Exam. And I must say, he took it pretty well for a kid his age.

He certainly is a strange boy and it is fascinating. He is always full of that childish curiosity and wonder, gazing with interest at everything and anything that catches his eye. He seems so carefree and unburdened by worry.

I really can't relate to that. I don't think I was ever like him. Even before I was born, my father already had plans for me. I was to follow his footsteps in becoming an assassin. I can't say that I remember, but I'll bet that as soon as I was born, he whisked me away from my mother to begin my training immediately. I don't think my mother cared, or even minded, that much. I suppose it was just a tradition in my family for the sons to go into training. Well, I wouldn't consider my brother Milluki much of a killer –he prefers to mess around with his computer and technology, making bombs and things- but my eldest brother, Illumi is a dangerous person that you don't want to cross. And then, of course, there is my father, my grandfather and my great-grandfather.

They never bothered me very much, and I was probably their favourite, anyway, since I was the most gifted child and most likely the next heir. I did not talk to my great-grandfather or my grandfather very much –I tried to stay out of their way- in fact, I have only had a real conversation with my father once, during that time when Gon and the others came looking for me at my house.

I was never particularly close to my mother, however I know that she just wanted to raise me like Illumi and Milluki, and expected me to be the same as them. Well, I wasn't, and I remembered her being very surprised at me having actual friends, and she was quite upset when my father allowed me to leave with Gon.

Ha, 'family.' What a funny word. Most people would think of a loving group of relatives who are committed to each other and care about each other. I suppose commitment and care goes hand in hand with communication and closeness, but there's not too much of that on Kukuru Mountain. They are my family, and I have to respect them for that, but I cannot honestly say that I'm really sad and homesick now that I've left them.

Gon says I'm lucky to know my mother and father. I don't see how I'm so "lucky", but I guess I can understand just a little bit. He has never known his real parents. But I honestly can't understand why he wants to meet this "Jin" person he calls his father, who wouldn't even see his own son.

Gon doesn't care though. Whether his father is really busy and just doesn't have time for his son or simply just doesn't want to see him isn't something that bothers Gon. He wanted to see his father simply because he is his father.

That's a concept I don't think I'll ever understand. I guess it's a father-son thing, but I've never really had something like that with my own parent. Sure, we communicate once in a while, but we're not too close, and we've only really talked once in a father-son way. I learned a lot about survival and killing from my family, but it was Gon who taught me about love and friendship. Well, maybe not love in the sense of true love, but love in an amiable way. It means a lot to me that he calls me his best friend. I've never had a friend before, what with being cooped up in the house all day, and let alone one special enough and deserving of the title 'best' friend.

And what I find even more amazing is that he knows about my family and our reputation, but does not care one bit. He does not see me as a Zoldick, a twisted child of a nasty murderer. He sees me as Killua, a kid who likes to skateboard, who sometimes cheats and lies, but generally a good person with some extraordinary skills.

I found life boring on Kukuru Mountain, but now it doesn't seem that bad, because I have met Gon. I consider myself really lucky to have met him.

He is really amazing. He's always incredibly happy and wholeheartedly grateful for practically everything. He unselfishly cares about others, and is always willing to defend his loved ones as if they mean the world to him. Well, actually, they do.

Yeah, you're probably laughing at me right now. Well, I don't care. I can't deny it. I'm attracted to Gon, kinda like how a moth is attracted to fire. (I would know; I used to watch them burn to a crisp in the bright flames.) And why wouldn't I be? His sparkly, twinkling brown eyes, his sweet innocent smile, and the pure aura that surrounds him; plus, he's the first person to ever actually be kind to me.

I love him. More than as a friend, more than as a best friend. I... I'm in love with him. I want to take care of him; I want to be there for him, always and always.

He doesn't know, of course. Or at least I don't think he does. Although he is quite perceptive, he doesn't strike me as the type to notice these things. Whatever the case, I'm not going to tell him. Well, not until we both grow up a bit.

What really worries me, though, is that Gon is very pure, which is the opposite of me. He's very trusting and innocent; I can't help but worry that one day, something –or even someone- will hurt him so badly that it will scar him forever. I can't help but worry that that someone will be me. Like I said, I am a trained murderer, one who grew up without knowing love or friendship.

I can't help but be afraid that I'll hurt him one day, that his closeness to me will bring about his downfall. That I'll wake up one morning and hurt him, or someone close to him, like his aunt Mito.

It would be so easy, too. I could creep up to him when he's asleep, let my nails elongate and sharpen the way they always do, and tear his flesh apart. He wouldn't even see it coming. My family could hurt him too, knowing that he's my best friend. I suspect Illumi already knows about my feelings towards him. I wouldn't put anything past my brother.

I'm afraid, but I can't do anything about it. I don't want to leave him, and I doubt he'll let me leave so easily. I want to stay with him forever, but I'm afraid of the consequences. No matter how many times he calls me his closest friend, it doesn't change the fact that I have the skill and strength to kill. No matter how many dreams we share of tomorrow, it doesn't change my past.

Although I have earned my freedom, I am still the son of Silva Zoldick. I have still been taught to murder. I am still part of a feared family with an immoral reputation.

I am still an assassin. 


End file.
